Lessons I’m Learning From Parenting…

JUST THOUGHT I’D SHARE A FEW LESSONS I’M LEARNING FROM PARENTING…in no particular order.

#1: My daughter is often quiet around other people, so it seems like people then assume that she doesn’t have anything to say. This is so not true. Once we get alone, she tells me all her observations and feelings. Lesson: JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ISN’T SAYING ANYTHING, DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY.

#2: My daughter has been struggling with her aggressive impulses–she regularly pushes other kids, grabs things from other kids, etc. I know most almost-3-year-olds have some of this going on, so we’re working on it, but I’m not too worried. Sometimes on the playground, parents of under-2-year-olds, look askance at her when she is aggressive with their child, and then they give me a withering look, like “If you were doing your job, your child wouldn’t be acting like this!” When Sonnet was under 2, and a 2 1/2 or 3-year-old was aggressive towards her, I admit I foolishly thought, “My kid’s not like that, we must really be doing something right!” Lesson: JUST BECAUSE YOUR CHILD ISN’T ACTING OUT IN THE WAY THAT MY CHILD IS, DOESN’T MEAN THAT SOMEDAY THEY WON’T!

When will it end?…thoughts on the Oscar Grant shooting

I’m so angry and sad about the recent incident where the BART police officer killed Oscar Grant on New Year’s morning.

Watching those videos, I just cried for that young man lying on the ground, surrounded by cops he knew he couldn’t trust, knowing things could go either which way, but hoping they wouldn’t go the way that they went. And I cried for the guy’s family and friends, and the tragic loss they’re dealing with now that he’s been murdered. And I cried tears of anger for the injustice of not only this incident, but centuries of brutality and violence that white folks have inflicted on black folks, and when will it end, when will it end?!!??

What the frack happened? The BART cop, Johannes Mehserle, needs to take responsibility for what he did. He needs to face up to his mistake and answer people’s questions. He needs to be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Being a police officer of any kind does not relieve one of responsibility for one’s actions, and in my opinion cops are too easily let off the hook. Before the advent of video cameras on cell phones and such, an incident like this would likely have been easily covered up. Who could’ve disputed it if the cops said the young man was resisting arrest and was dangerous? Now, everyone can see that he was lying face down on the freaking floor and got shot at point blank range!

But Johannes Mehserle is not the only one responsible for this incident. I think there’s also a level of responsibility that falls on all of us in this country, particularly on white people. As white people, we are taught to fear young black men. For me, it wasn’t a lesson like someone sat me down and told me to be afraid of young black men, it was more like it was so ingrained in the culture around me that nobody had to even say it directly.

On the news the sketches of wanted criminals are so frequently young black men. The justice system and the prisons are full of young men of color. When a white police officer kills a black man, it seems like most white people just accept that there must’ve been a good reason for the officer to shoot him. There are little subtle things like how white people clutch their purses or cross to the other side of the street if a black man approaches. It starts early, too, like when I’ve heard neighbors talk about how the elementary school down the street isn’t a good, safe school because of the black kids who go there. And I remember the way people used to stare if I was out with a black guy, with a mixture of curiosity and repugnance and wanting to warn me away from him. And there’s a million more ways white people are taught to fear black people.

I’ve heard people say that this shooting didn’t have to do with racism, but if this white police officer lives in this country, then he has been exposed to the same lessons as the rest of us. In my opinion, the paradigm that young black men are dangerous and untrustworthy was actively at work that night there in the BART station. Its obvious to me that if Oscar Grant had been a white man, the whole situation would’ve played out differently, and its likely that no one would’ve gotten shot.

I know that BART cop Johannes Mehserle, as an individual, is responsible for his actions that night. But I also believe that its up to all of us to take responsibility for the context in which this shooting happened by working to change the culture of racism and white privilege that teaches white people, among other things, that black people are dangerous.

And, I’ll go one step further and say that I believe that its up to white people in particular to work towards this change. We need to use our unearned white privilege to fight against the institutional and systemic racism that keeps the current racist paradigm in place. We need to look at ourselves and each other and admit our racist thoughts, beliefs and actions, and then find a way to let go of that paralyzing white guilt that keeps us from demanding change from ourselves, each other and the institutions around us. We need to really listen to the stories of people of color about the effects of racism on their lives. We need to join together with other like-minded people to actively move towards racial justice.

And we need to find a way to both hold Johannes Mehserle responsible for his actions, and also compassionately reach out to him and include him in the movement towards positive change.

Wolf pup?

Here’s the cutest wolf pup you’ve ever seen!

Obama fan, Oakland girl

Sonnet helped me vote for Barack Obama!

Sonnet’s very into hats and will go around putting hats on herself and her parents.  In this picture, she liked mama’s hat so well, she convinced her mom to let her borrow it!

Dog Whistle Racism

I just learned a new phrase at a website called Stop Dog Whistle Racism.  Apparently “Dog-Whistle Racism is political campaigning or policy-making that uses coded words and themes to appeal to conscious or subconscious racist concepts and frames.”

Of course, I knew about the phenomenon, but didn’t know there was a phrase to describe it.  The aforementioned website is about identifying, exposing and responding to this type of racism….check it out!

Fear Wins Out: Teachers Carry Guns in Harrold, Texas

I was going to try to start out sounding neutral on this, but who am I kidding? In what world does it make sense to let school teachers carry guns to class? Certainly not in the world I live in! And yet, a small school district in North Texas recently started letting their teachers carry concealed weapons.

According to The Houston Chronicle, the trustees at the School District in the tiny town of Harrold, Texas (population 320) approved a district policy change so that their employees can carry concealed guns to “deter and protect against school shootings.” The gun-toting teachers have to get permission from the state of Texas and the school district, and they must receive training in crisis management and hostile situations. Oh, and they have to use ammunition that’s designed to minimize the risk of ricochet in the hallways. Good thinking!

Apparently the superintendent and school board feel that their school is at risk because they’re a 30-minute drive from the sheriff’s office, and because “the district’s lone campus sits 500 feet from heavily trafficked U.S. 287, which could make it a target.”

The Fort Worth Star-Telegram quoted the superintendent as saying ‘When the federal government started making schools gun-free zones, that’s when all of these shootings started. Why would you put it out there that a group of people can’t defend themselves? That’s like saying ‘sic ‘em’ to a dog.”

In a way I’m not surprised…it IS Texas, which is one of the gun-friendliest states in the union, not just in laws, but in people’s attitudes. I, myself, grew up knowing how to shoot a gun. In my family it was mainly to protect our chickens from dogs, snakes and foxes, not for shooting other people. And we certainly didn’t pack a gun on the way to school!

I do, however, remember feeling some security from having a gun in the house, since we were in a rural area, and if something happened, help was miles away. We lived right outside of Austin, but you might never have known it. We were fairly isolated, with the nearest neighbors a 1/4 mile away, and our place was mostly surrounded by woods. I remember times when we’d hear about a local incidence of violence of some kind of other, and on those dark nights, I did think that we were better protected because there was a gun in the house. My point is that, at some level, I really can understand why people in Harrold might feel fearful due to their isolation.

I found myself wondering what might have made this particular school district so afraid that they decided to allow their teachers to carry guns. I have a friend who, until recently, lived in Wichita Falls (the biggest town near Harrold), and who used to be a journalist, so I had a feeling he’d have some observations to share about the situation.

Here’s what he had to say: “Harrold is a tiny little podunk school stuck amidst cotton fields. The ‘town’ of Harrold consists of a grain elevator and a few weather-beaten shacks and maybe a couple of meth labs. No stores, no etc. The school consists of two buildings joined by a breezeway. It is slowly dwindling away and will probably be consolidated with Vernon or another district in a few years. Just after I arrived in Wichita Falls there was a big windstorm that blew out all the windows on the north side of both buildings. The district had to stretch their budget to find money to replace the windows, only to find out after the work began that the windowsills contained asbestos. So, for more than a year until they could find yet more money for asbestos removal, all of the windows on the north side of the building were covered with plywood. It looked like an abandoned building from the highway. I don’t think Harrold ISD is a prime candidate for school violence, unless it is started by gun-toting redneck teachers.“

Whether the teachers are rednecks or not, the point is, it just doesn’t make sense to have MORE guns in schools rather than less. The Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence quotes research that says that “[l]ess than 1% of school-age victims of homicide are killed on school grounds or on the way to or from school. Adding more guns in school can only put our kids at greater risk.” That’s what I’m saying!

In looking at different websites that discussed this issue, I found that lots of people were saying the typical gun-enthusiast/NRA-nut things about how law-abiding citizens have to be ready to defend themselves, and how people who want to restrict gun use are basically too wimpy and weak to be eager to shoot another human being. This phenomenon has always been interesting to me: People in the pro-gun movement identify as STRONG, and put others down for being weak. And yet THEY are the ones so scared that they need a firearm to feel safe!

So, my main objections to this idea are…

-As a mother, I’m horrified at the idea of sending my child to a school where the teachers carry guns. At an emotional level, I feel the mama bear in me growling a big NO FUCKING WAY!!

-It just doesn’t make sense. Again I quote, “Adding more guns in school can only put our kids at greater risk.”

-It is a fear-based policy, and at the social, political and personal levels, fear-based decisions are often problematic. Putting a band-aid on a situation out of fear doesn’t usually actually solve the problem. We need to look at where their fear comes from, and get to the root of that fear…not just throw some guns at it.

-And here’s the big one for me: One of the big strategies of the conservative movement is to convince people that they need to be scared. And they have ideas about who we should be scared of: people of color, gay folks, and immigrants to name a few.

So, in a town that’s 87% white, who will that fear most likely be aimed at?  My guess is anyone who’s different, especially the 13% of people who aren’t white. Even though the superintendent says the guns are for protection against outside threats by terrorist-types, in my opinion, the people most likely to get shot at are the PEOPLE OF COLOR that our culture teaches us white folks to fear, particularly black males. I don’t actually know how many children of color there are at this school, but however many they are, I fear for their safety.  And for the safety of anyone who’s different: gay teens, punk rockers, poor kids…if they don’t fit in the white middle-class mold, they’re likely at risk.

If you think I’m exaggerating, here’s a recent quote from a conservative family member of mine who lives near Harrold, TX (we’ve been e-mailing back and forth about politics, racism, welfare and other social issues), “…you send me poor crying woes about a population of people [poor people, people on welfare, people in New Orleans, black people] that don’t care enough about themselves to do anything for themselves…. We [white people not on welfare] been taking care of business from the beginning of time. It has been making us stronger and more self reliant. So when the time comes, the weak will just breed themselves out of existence. I’m patient I can wait.“

Maybe the Harrold School District is getting a head start. If all the schools in America went this direction, they wouldn’t have to wait for the unwanted members of the population to grow up and cause trouble. They could go ahead and shoot them down while they’re still children. Its frightening to think that maybe now I’m understanding where this gun-carrying teacher policy is coming from.

Obama gets my vote

I’m pretty stoked about Barack Obama.  He’s not a perfect candidate of course, but I’m still fairly excited about him.  Here are some of the things I think he could bring:

–at least the potential for some positive change!  I feel the beginnings of hope stirring in my heart.  Maybe, just maybe, our country can turn a corner?

–having someone in the “White” House who can (and hopefully will) talk about race in a real way.  White America needs to wake the f*@# up about how bad things really are.

–having that long line of presidential portraits in the White House, in museums, in encyclopedias, etc. FINALLY include someone besides white men.

Talking about racism

I was reading the blog, Stuff White People Do, and in a comment I saw a reference to an event that happened in my hometown of Austin, Texas.  Not just Austin, but specifically the Lake Travis area on the west side of Austin, where I grew up.

So I googled it, and found the local television news station’s website with their description of the events.  It brought back a flood of memories of hearing this kind of shit.  Growing up in a “liberal” household, I learned to stand up to people who said the n-word, but I wasn’t really taught to pick apart the constant barrage of subtle (as well as blatant) racist stories in the news.  Now that I have a few more skills in this area, I can’t seem to shut up about the racism I see all around me.

Another thing missing from my experience growing up was the chance to hear diverse perspectives on news stories.  I was in an all-white bubble, surrounded by people who, like me, had the unearned privilege of not hearing newscasts chock-full of negative stereotypes about us, and who had the choice of staying oblivious to the realities of the racism around and within us.

I remember having moments of awareness, thinking things like, “Geez, every time they show a sketch of someone wanted by the police, its a black guy…surely that’s not right!”  But those moments were just blips on the radar.  Most of the time I lived in oblivion, like all the other white people around me.

So, back to the news story.  Basically its about a young black athlete, Cedric Benson, who was boating on Lake Travis and got hassled by the police.  Here’s part of the story from the news station’s web site (www.kvue.com), as well as local people’s comments quoted in the story.  In italics are my interpretations of the underlying racist message.

“A former UT football player is arrested on Lake Travis. Police say Cedric Benson, 25, was boating with about a dozen people Saturday night when police pulled his boat over for a random safety inspection.” (Random safety inspection means they pulled over the black guy because he didn’t belong ’round there, and you can’t trust a boat full of  n*#*s having fun.)

“Officers say Benson, who is now a running back for the Chicago Bears, was behind the wheel and had been drinking.” (The cops ignored all the drunk white boaters and took the opportunity to teach a lesson to the uppity negro in the nice boat.)

‘He’s a celebrity, thought he could get away with everything I guess. I mean, sometimes they believe they’re above the law,’ (Just because he’s famous, that don’t mean we want him ’round here, and that don’t mean we cain’t still string up n*#*s that break the law!) said Lake Travis boater, Tom Concienne.

‘Just another spoiled athlete he believes he’s above the law. Unfortunately they are subject to laws and they have to follow them as well. If they’re not, they should get arrested,’ (Even though white folks do what he was doing all the time without getting hassled, that spoiled n*#* needs to remember his place!) said Lake Travis boater, Tom Rajan.

After reinterpreting this news item, I took advantage of the internet, and looked around to find some different perspectives on this event.  At http://sportsonmymind.com, I found this blog-post, as well as 2 comments on the post:

“Lake Travis is a sanguine body of water in the tony section of Austin, Texas. Each weekend the lake is filled with boaters of all ages. As night drops over Texas’ capital city the manses on the hills above the lake shimmer. The likes of actress Sandra Bullock and tennis star Andy Roddick reside in the hills and often party on the lake.

Inevitably on those Friday and Saturday nights young, mostly white revelers can be heard out; the high-pitched laughs and screams of women and the primal frat boy drunken yells to no one in particular abound. As their crafts glide by older partiers they wave but the hip-hop and rap music remains clearly audible even from 60 feet above the shore. The young yell their hellos a little too inebriated while the slightly more sober older folk cordially wave and smile.

I have seen this scene perhaps 50 times on Lake Travis. I have seen people on party boats diving into spotlighted water late, late into the evening. I have heard the boom of the bass of rock or rap music as if a speaker was next to my ear.

But I have never, ever seen a Lower Colorado River Authority officer do anything other than float by and ask the white partiers if everything is all right.

Now if you’re a young, black and wealthy NFL running back, and ex University of Texas star named Cedric Benson and you own a 30-foot party boat and you’re on Lake Travis with your boys and some women and the same music is playing that was heard on the by white partiers just five minutes before – well, you’re getting busted. And if you say a word, you’re getting sprayed”

First comment:  “Great post brotha Dwil. During my college days I have experienced that many times.

Expecially when the black college students would hang out on one night and the white students would hang out another night.

The way the cops treated both was totally different. And not only the cops but also businesses too.”

Second comment:  “damn, I already knew about DWB, but never really thought about Boating While Black (BWB)… same shit, different vehicle…

Pepper spray? Damn again… I don’t know all the details, but I’m sure that the police officer’s life was in grave danger…”

This interpretation of the story lands on me as right on now, but I wonder how I would’ve experienced it as a teenager.  I easily could’ve distanced myself based on the description of the Lake Travis area as “tony,” since we were totally working class, and were often just as annoyed with those frat rat partiers as the author is.  And I could’ve let my discomfort about my whiteness keep me from acknowledging my white privilege.

I think its also possible that hearing different perspectives would have felt good to me, too.  Like most adolescents, I had a keen interest in justice, and I think some realistic conversations about racism…not just the racism “out there,” but the racism right around me and within me…would have helped me channel and explore some of the discomfort and pain that I felt when I had those blips of awareness around this issue.

Now that I have a child of my own, a big goal of mine is to talk, talk, talk about racism and the other -isms, about privilege, about all cultures (including white culture), about white conditioning, and about the anti-racist white identity and community that I cultivate.  And I also feel very committed to having people with different cultural backgrounds and perspectives around and in our family so my daughter doesn’t grow up in a white bubble.  And perhaps most importantly, I want to help her develop the vocabulary, emotional presence, and critical thinking skills to express herself about all of these issues.  I imagine that someday I will be learning from her about these issues, and I hope and believe that I will be open to that.

Book Review: “The Female Brain”

I’ve been reading a book called “The Female Brain,” by Louann Brizendine, which is, not surprisingly, about the female brain.  The author is a neuro-psychiatrist who describes how estrogen and other female hormones stimulate various parts of the female brain from a very early age–like before we’re even born.  She posits that these hormone-stimulated parts of the brain are responsible for girls and women being better at reading other people’s cues and being more social and empathetic than their male counterparts.

It has been an interesting read, but I keep finding myself questioning some of the generalizations she makes based on these biological differences.  Like, I don’t find there to be such a huge difference between boy and girl babies around their tendency to look at people’s faces, and I don’t find girls to be THAT much better at reading social cues than boys.  I do see some tendencies in these directions, but I found her descriptions to be so broad and so black and white, that I found myself shaking my head as I read.

Then I read an article in Slate Magazine that totally debunked a lot of the conclusions being drawn by this author and another writer doing similar stuff.  The Slate article did a nice job of looking at not only her conclusions but also the actual research that she and others have done on these topics.  The writers of the article took issue with a lot of the same things I was having doubts about, so that was very validating.

Even though I don’t whole-heartedly buy into everything Brizendine says, I still find it helpful to acknowledge that there are some possible biological differences between males and females.  In a way it makes sense that there would be those differences, but it also makes sense to treat children and adults according to their own individual personalities and needs, and not just assume that they’re going to fit the biological model that scientists have identified.  Another reason to treat people as individuals is that the binary gender model is not really accurate in my opinion.  I don’t think we’re each all-female or all-male, so to me its a moot point to identify “male characteristics” and “female characteristics” as if we were all one gender or the other.  But, I digress.

I guess my overall impression of this book is that its interesting, but it needs to be taken with a big old grain of salt.  I do appreciate Brizendine’s commitment to the topic of female brains; I’ve always found my female brain to be quite interesting, so I’m glad there’s someone else out there that agrees with me.

Tka-Tka

This morning at 5:50am (too early!), Sonnet was waking up next to me and making noises and wiggling around.  I was just laying there, hoping she’d change her mind about waking up.  Instead, she started tickling my neck with her soft little fingers, making the little tka-tka noise that we use when we tickle each other.  I just taught her how to tickle my neck yesterday, and already she’s incorporating it into her life, wow!  Anyway, I couldn’t help but laugh, since it was just sooo cute, and a few minutes later we got up together.